New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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