was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
