Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
