Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
