i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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