Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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