I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
