So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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