My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
