You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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