I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
