Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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