the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
