My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
