I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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