Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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