Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
