thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
