1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
