Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
