I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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