You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
