I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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