I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
