I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
