You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
