Four minutes until I can fart!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
