There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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