Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
