You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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