i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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