Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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