May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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