you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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