I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He shit in the fireplace
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
