I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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