You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
