I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
