My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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