I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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