And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
