Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How does one acquire holy water?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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