K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
