Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
