Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
