I hate your face
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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