I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
