I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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