Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
