Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
