alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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