There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
