I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
