I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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