You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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