I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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