Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
