i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
