Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
